A live condom, before harvesting and processing.
Though the condom is functionally extinct in the wild, condom farms across the globe are going strong with an estimated larval population in the billions.
The typical condom will shed its skin 15 times through the larval stage, allowing for over a dozen sheaths to be collected before the condom is either allowed to mature as breeding stock or slaughtered for its meat which can be found in “Chicken” nuggets and Spam.
Shed skins undergo a process called “Encondomization” once harvested in which the reservoir tip is sewn on by hand, the condom is dipped in lubricants or spermicidal jelly if applicable, and then rolled up and packaged. The process dates back to Ancient Rome where condom farming began, specifically in buildings known as “Condominiums”. One such condominium is still cranking out the product, having been in continuous operation since approximately 160 B.C.
You can still find it at 00186 Piazza di Montecitorio, Rome, Italy. Cicero’s International House of Condoms now features a museum on the history of the condom and is open to the public. FIJMU followers can get a discount, just ask for Enrico.
The YL-18 was an ambitious attempt to service up to 180 passengers in the comfort of apartment like suites during their flight. To that end, the airplane resembled an apartment complex.
Unfortunately, this and the lack of wings rendered the craft somewhat unaerodynamic and the plane never flew. Attempts were made to move the prototype off the runway but another design flaw lead to its landing gear not being able to touch the ground, so it had to stay on the tarmac.
The prototype was used as low income housing for a few years but this effort too proved unpopular and the YL-18 remains one of the least successful aircraft of all time, ranking 2nd on the Forbes Quarterly Listing Of Unpopular Aircraft, just after the infamous SR-72 Brick-Glued-To-A-Shovel that cost Lockheed their government surveillance contract.
The Ass Garage of Jeremiah Cornelius, depicted by Hieronymus Bosch in a 1498 Painting
Extant from 1407 to 1518, the Ass Garage first served to hold the carriage of Jeremiah Cornelius II, Cardinal of Flem. Not satisfied with the church provided parking space for his 1406 Bugatti Veyron Carriage, the Cardinal complained to Pope Gregory XII. The Pope was outraged that the Cardinal had forsaken his oath of poverty and told him he could park his fancy carriage up his ass.
Having a dubious sense of humor, the Cardinal proceeded to use church funds to build a garage in the shape of his own backside. Built of plaster, wood and stone, the Ass Garage featured a moving portcullis, Spanish ivy on its walls, dual stalls for the horses and more.
The Papacy, ridiculed and disobeyed, was furious. Sending the Swiss Guard to execute Cornelius, the Pope excommunicated the cardinal and declared his garage to be a portal to hell which had to be burned to the ground.
Upon their arrival however, the Swiss Guard found themselves too amused by the garage to burn it or to punish its creator, and thus a schism of Catholicism resulted. The Assgaragians were essentially Catholic in dogma, but were not affiliated with the Pope or Vatican. The Ass Garage served as the sect’s only cathedral until 1518 when the cult was killed off entirely by the black plague, and the garage itself was knocked over by a tornado.
Oddly, the tornado had been predicted by Assgaragian prophet Jeremiah Cornelius III in his famous apocalyptic text, “A Tornado’s Gonna Wreck This Shit”. One of the few texts universally agreed to constitute a genuine prophecy, the work was followed by Cornelius’s final prophecy entitled “All Tumblr Users Will All Get Herpes In 2014”, the meaning of which is currently unknown.